On Loss
Ok, so this has been on my mind for the last week or so, and I can't seem to shake it. So, I thought I would write out my thoughts.
Right after Emma was born (about 2 months maybe?) I had this dream of a beautiful, sandy haired baby boy. He was darling, and it was so realistic that I woke up TERRIFIED that I was pregnant again. I wasn't of course, but I felt like that baby boy would be coming to me.
On December 10th, I knew I was pregnant. I just knew without a shadow of a doubt; I also knew that I was going to have a miscarriage. I don't know how or why I knew, I just did.
Just about two months later, I miscarried. It was still pretty early in the pregnancy, and I feel like I had been prepared for it from the start. It was still really hard though, and confusing. I didn't want to admit to myself that it was a miscarriage. It was painful and sad, but I knew it would be ok.
Anyway, things have pretty much gone back to normal for us, but this last week it hit me that any time now we would be finding out the baby's gender. I don't know why that struck me so hard, but it was very bitter for me. I was walking through the baby clothes at Babies 'R Us, and I felt this great loss. Will I ever know that baby? Did it have a soul yet? Will that baby's soul be the soul for my next baby? After the miscarriage, that dream and image of that baby boy seemed to be slipping from me, and I worried that I had lost the chance to know him.
I don't know how all of that works out in Heaven, but what I do know is that there is someone who understands what I am feeling. I have a loving Heavenly Father who sent His son, my Savior, to this world. I know that Jesus Christ suffered for MY pain, and I think on the eve of this Easter, I have a greater appreciation for that sacrifice that he made for me.
I have always had a great love for my Savior, and I have always believed that He lived and walked this earth suffering pains and afflictions of every kind. I have never doubted that in reality He made the greatest vicarious sacrifice on behalf of all mankind, and without wavering I can say that I know in my heart of hearts that He rose again, conquering death and unlocking the path for us to return to our heavenly home someday. I have felt His love for me as I pass through the trials and pains and stresses of this life. He sustains me. He knows me. He loves me. I am forever grateful for His love. I know He has given me comfort through all of this and will continue to comfort me through whatever else lies in store for our family.
I love this testimony of the Savior (click here), and I hope in honor of Easter you'll take some time to read it or re-read it, too.
Right after Emma was born (about 2 months maybe?) I had this dream of a beautiful, sandy haired baby boy. He was darling, and it was so realistic that I woke up TERRIFIED that I was pregnant again. I wasn't of course, but I felt like that baby boy would be coming to me.
On December 10th, I knew I was pregnant. I just knew without a shadow of a doubt; I also knew that I was going to have a miscarriage. I don't know how or why I knew, I just did.
Just about two months later, I miscarried. It was still pretty early in the pregnancy, and I feel like I had been prepared for it from the start. It was still really hard though, and confusing. I didn't want to admit to myself that it was a miscarriage. It was painful and sad, but I knew it would be ok.
Anyway, things have pretty much gone back to normal for us, but this last week it hit me that any time now we would be finding out the baby's gender. I don't know why that struck me so hard, but it was very bitter for me. I was walking through the baby clothes at Babies 'R Us, and I felt this great loss. Will I ever know that baby? Did it have a soul yet? Will that baby's soul be the soul for my next baby? After the miscarriage, that dream and image of that baby boy seemed to be slipping from me, and I worried that I had lost the chance to know him.
I don't know how all of that works out in Heaven, but what I do know is that there is someone who understands what I am feeling. I have a loving Heavenly Father who sent His son, my Savior, to this world. I know that Jesus Christ suffered for MY pain, and I think on the eve of this Easter, I have a greater appreciation for that sacrifice that he made for me.
I have always had a great love for my Savior, and I have always believed that He lived and walked this earth suffering pains and afflictions of every kind. I have never doubted that in reality He made the greatest vicarious sacrifice on behalf of all mankind, and without wavering I can say that I know in my heart of hearts that He rose again, conquering death and unlocking the path for us to return to our heavenly home someday. I have felt His love for me as I pass through the trials and pains and stresses of this life. He sustains me. He knows me. He loves me. I am forever grateful for His love. I know He has given me comfort through all of this and will continue to comfort me through whatever else lies in store for our family.
I love this testimony of the Savior (click here), and I hope in honor of Easter you'll take some time to read it or re-read it, too.
Oh Becky, I'm so sorry. That's such a hard thing to go through. Please let me know if you need anything :(
ReplyDeleteI believe in dreams from God—and that sometimes we have no idea how they will be fulfilled or how long it will take.
ReplyDeleteAlso, i love this post.
rock on.
*HUGS*
ReplyDeletePS K is insistent that our puppy has to meet Arthur sometime :). I miss you Becky!
Give yourself two big hugs from me and Jenna. (Jenna's might be a little sticky...)
ReplyDelete